SF Lyons

Royal Telephone

In pretends on April 2, 2010 at 3:00 pm

Pinellas Park, Florida – March 31, 2005.


*ring ring*

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*ring ring*

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Save Terri Schiavvo Campaigner
Governer’s Office Public Relations Department, Save Schiavo Campaign, Veronica speaking. How may I help you?

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Oh, hello. My name is Sister Impatia Respirio. I’m calling from the Vatican on behalf of His Holiness, Pope John Paul II. I’m attempting to get in touch with a Mrs Terri Schiavo. Are you Mrs Schiavo’s carer?

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Save Terri Schiavvo Campaigner
Carer?…oh, yeah, carer, sure…How may I help you?

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Well, His Holiness would like very much to speak personally with Mrs Schiavo about her situation, and the attempt by her husband to end her life…If that would be at all possible.

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Save Terri Schiavvo Campaigner
Yeah, sure. I’ll put her on.

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Thank you very much…(waiting)…hmmm, hmmm, hmm…but in my room/wish you were dead/you bang li

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Veronica: TERRI? TERRI! THE – POPE – IS – ON – THE – PHONE…YES! THE – POPE – HIMSELF – WANTS – TO – TALK – TO – YOU…ISN’T – THAT – EXCITING?

Terri: URRRRRRRR     *beep*

Veronica: YES – I – KNOW – YOU’RE – HUNGRY…EVERYONE – KNOWS – YOU’RE – HUNGRY…BUT – THE – POPE’S – ON – THE – PHONE!

Terri: URRRRRRRR     *beep*

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(waiting)   –nly salvation is/I’ll never see you aga

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Save Terri Schiavvo Campaigner
Okay, put him on.

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Oh, wonderful!…Your Holiness? Putting you through to Mrs Schiavo now…

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*beep*

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*beep*

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*beep*

.

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HHNNRRRRR!

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UURRRRRRR     *beep*

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HHNNRRRRR?

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UURRRRRRR     *beep*

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UH, UH, UHHHH…

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UURRRRRRR     *beep*

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HHNNRRRR (HRKH!) URMRM (HRKH!) HHMMNNNN? (HRKH!)

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UURRRRRR     *beep*

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HRNRRR (HRKH! HRKH! HRKH!) HMNNNF…HNWERRRRR?

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UURR     *beep*

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HMMN?

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UURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

*beep*

UURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

*beep*

UURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

*beep*

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GHRRRRR!

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URRR?

*beep*

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*beep*

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*beep*

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*beep*

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GHR!!!!!!

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u-     *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

Veronica: Terri? Terri!!!!?!?!…oh…………fuck

.

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Rome – Two Days Later.

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*Ring Ring*

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*Ring Ring*

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Huh?

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Hi, Karol. How are you feeling, son?

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AHHHHRRRG!!!!!!

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DON’T COWER!!! I fucking hate that! I don’t like it and I certainly don’t need it. I’m God – My self-esteem is secure enough without people grovelling!

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I’m sorry Father…Is it…is it…Time?

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Yeah, pretty much.

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Oh…oh, my goodness…

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Don’t act so surprised.

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I’m just…overwhelmed…may I first ask one thing of You, Lord?

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Sure.

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I’m in a pretty delicate state, Father…could You, perhaps, manifest Yourself in a more gentle form?

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How’s this?

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Much better, Lord, thank you.

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So…you didn’t answer my question. How are you feeling?

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Well, I’m slipping in and out of consciousness, my heart’s pretty weak, my kidneys have packed it in, and I’ve got a really bad fever because of a problem…down there.

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The media say you’re “fading peacefully”.

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Pig’s arse! This urinary tract infection stings like hell!

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Yeah…I guess…

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My suffering is great, Lord Father. I am ready for You…Take me!

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Actually, I like to have a brief chat with people first. You know, clarify a few things? Make sure you have the proper perspective on your life before moving on?…How does that sound?

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But…won’t I have Eternity in Your loving embrace to attain this wisdom?

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Uhhh…your self-confidence should be admired, I guess, but…uhh…well…it’s just……I prefer to do it this way, yeah…

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Yes…of course…if my Lord Father so wills it I must endure.

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That’s the spirit! Okay…let’s start with some of the good stuff you’ve done.

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uhhhh…

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Just some major highlights.

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okay…

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Alrighty…well, you did some good work reconciling your “Catholic Church” with other Christians and with the Jews. Well done there.

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Thanks.

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You admitted that Galileo was right! In 1992! And you had a committee working on it for 13 years! He got a good gut laugh from that.

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right…

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And I like how you forgave the guy who shot you. That was really nice.

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I have always tried to live by Your Son’s example, Lord.

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You mean Jesus? Yeah, he was one of my favourites: friendly with everyone, very mellow, liked a laugh, but had a really strong social conscience too. His folks raised him well. How good would it have been if he’d lived as long as Buddha?!

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But-

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Anyhoo! Back to the point – I really have to say…

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Yes?

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When everything is weighed in the balance…

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Yes?…

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You were a total arsehat.

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What?!

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That’s not so bad! It’s not like you’ll be sharing a cell with Hitler!

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Sharing a cell?

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Relax. Figure of speech.

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Okay…But what did I do that was so bad?

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Goodness Me! Where do I start? Mostly you just perpetuated all the same obnoxious shit your religion has been at for centuries:.

You kept up the insistence that pope-centred Catholicism is the only authentic religion – which didn’t help with the reconciliation process…

…and you kept up the whole fear of women, fear of homosexuals, fear of sex jive which a lot of people had hoped a youngish pope would have loosened up over….

…And you really clamped down bad on freedom of thought and dissent within the church. You went a bit medieval there, Karol, especially with your support of Opus Dei…

…And you kept slagging off Buddhism!

As long as people do the right thing – treat other people with love and kindness and work on their own self-awareness – I don’t need them to believe in me! You think because I’m omnipresent that I’m all “Me, Me, Me”?

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Well,I-

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And even though you supported the pro-democracy movement in Eastern Europe…

…you actively oppossed your clergy helping get rid of some evil regimes in Latin America. It’s as if you were more concerned about atheism than authoritarianism. Would I be wrong?

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But-

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And you kept up the same old narrow-minded, pre-Enlightenment style shite over abortion, euthanasia, in vitro fertilization, divorce, celibacy-

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But we were following Your laws-

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I didn’t give you any laws! You’re supposed to figure out how things work for yourselves! Then make up your own laws by observing The Nature of Things with an open mind! But you keep getting it wrong! You all get it wrong! Instead of devoting your time, energy, wealth, to helping all humankind lead happy, fulfilled lives you keep throwing it all away on building institutions, and imposing laws which support the perpetuation of those institutions! It would be partly forgivable for the average person – indoctrinated into this mindset – to stay stuck there, but you! What pisses me off the most – and I have to make this speech every time with you bloody popes – You reached the absolute pinnacle of this organisation, you had the opportunity to transcend past mistakes, and the power to change things in a major way, but you didn’t!

Then you murdered Terri Schiavo.

..

And most tragic on a personal level was never getting your end away with a person. That was a real shame, Karol.

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But I was lonely…It was during the war…I was young…

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I mean the never doing it with a person part! Sex is good for you!

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But we don’t hate sex! Celibacy is a matter of devotion to the Lord’s work-

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Oh, save the sermon for – well no-one anymore…So, do you see, Karol, why your life has been a failure? Why I do not favour you?

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Uummm…

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Instead of making people happy you devoted yourself to making people worship me when I don’t need to be worshipped! I don’t even care if people believe I exist! I don’t need all that reassurance, you great mong! I’m all powerful and transcendent! I’m above it all!!!

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Oh…shit

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So, do you get it now?

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yes…

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Do you really, truly get it?

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Yes! Yes!

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Hmmm…Okay…

Come.

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But…am I forgiven?

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It’s not my job to forgive. It’s your job to understand and to change.

Come!

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But…will I dwell forever in the bosom of my Lord Jesus Christ?

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uh…You’ll see. Come.

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But-

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COME!

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oh, God…

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What the…?! I’ve been reincarnated?!?! In Botswana?!?!?! Half the population has AIDS!!! I’ve probably been born with it!!!

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!?!?!?

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*sigh*

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———-

This is a reduxed version of a post I put up on an old blog a few days after the event.

Yes,  I know I didn’t mention the widespread facilitation and covering up of child rape, but there is such a thing as being too hilarious.

  1. What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re disgusting.

  2. If you think this is funny your humor mirrors your lack of taste and tact. Your timing blows if you want to keep on preaching go to the catholic church you say you hate so much. Not to say I love the catholic church, but this is more preaching than I could ever expect to hear in catholic school, you piece of shit.

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